I am writing in response to the woman who was speaking about her envy, for the women who have babies following sexual pleasure. I want to say to her “I hear you sister!”
I know this is a safe space, so I am going to be completely honest here, in the hope that someone reading this will make me feel better and say “I was where you are but the pleasure does return!”.
The fact is, I have forgotten what ‘sex for fun’ is. In fact, I can’t ever imagine having sex for fun ever again. For me, the “joy of sex” is nothing but the title of a book made famous in the 70s. For the last 2 years I have been trying to get pregnant and let me tell you, sex has become nothing but a stressful, laborious task.
We are now though in the safe hands of a fertility clinic who start exploratory tests next mont, so I am hoping we will get to the bottom of why we just aren’t making babies naturally. Hopefully they will find the problem and fix the problem…right? I know, that sounds stupidly naive, but, what it does mean is that the pressure is off ever so slightly now that we have the professionals on board to help and baby making won’t just down to me and husband having pointless stressful sex that just doesn’t work!!
As amazing as this feels, the fact remains that I am so “sexed out”, and not in a good way, that I am not sure I will ever want sex for pleasure again! For too long, I have timed when we “do it”, and foreplay is basically getting undressed. Then, when we finally “do it”, all I am thinking, is “make this work. Please, make this work”. Even as I type this I feel so sorry for my husband. I am not sure how on earth he even summoned the strength to, well, you know….it was not as though I was a sexy hot seductress – more like a frenetic mad woman who said things like “can we just do it quickly before you eat please?” “I know you are tired but just do it quickly!” – hardly romantic right?!.
I have read the tips from experts that say “try doing things like just kissing”, or “do romantic things like just going for long walks where you can talk and reconnect”, but honestly, for me, there is so much panic that has set in, that all I can focus on is getting pregnant, and getting pregnant quickly. I don’t feel sexy, I feel broken, so until i am “fixed”, and what I mean by that is until I become a mother, I don’t know how I will ever feel sexy, or womanly ever again.
I envy men and women who are overwhelmed with desire for their partners, but I am full of jealousy for those who then fall pregnant. I hope they realise how lucky they are – how lucky is the woman who falls pregnant naturally – to have only spent money on her beautiful lingerie, rather than thousands of pounds on fertility treatment – to feel sexy, and have enjoyed every moment of the beautiful passionate moment, rather than hormonal and ragged from the fertility drugs, and to wake up pregnant. Wow, that blows my mind. It’s crazy to think that it is even possible to work that easily!
So here I am, reaching out to anyone reading this, who is either feeling the same as I am, or who has ever felt the same as me. Did you ever get the joy back? Did sex ever become pleasurable again? Did you ever get over the envy of those who have sex that “works”? I want to feel normal again! Please help. Will I get the pleasure back?
Thank you TTC sisters for listening to my rant.
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