This is an email that was sent to us by a wonderfully brave woman who needs the comfort of you – the TTC community, after she told her husband to leave her for a fertile woman who could give him children. She has asked to be called Emma as she doesn’t want to share her real name. If you can relate to this, do get in touch so that we can share your story with Emma
Last week I told my husband he should leave me and go out in search of a woman who could give him the child that he longed for -the child that I long for too, but that I can’t give him
I told him he should go – the man I love – the kind, sensitive and patient man that I love. I told him to leave me because I am overwhelmed with sadness, grief and guilt – guilt that he could have become a father already if he hadn’t had married me.
The outburst came as our last round of IVF ended yet again in tears. I kind of knew already that it hadn’t worked. I guess it’s because I am finding it very difficult to hold on to any hope or positivity after 2 failed rounds of IVF. I had almost convinced myself that the embryo hadn’t implanted before I even unboxed the pregnancy test.
As I sat on the edge of the bath, waiting for the single line to appear as it had done in the last two rounds, I started to think about my husband. He had been amazing. The last time I revealed the “failure” he looked broken, but still found the words to comfort me. I hated myself. I blamed myself. My body was and is failing the future for us. We want to be parents so badly. We have a beautiful home, great jobs, a loving family. Children, or at least one child would complete the dream.
My husband often talks about the things he dreams about doing once he becomes a father. He says he would ideally love a daughter first. He says he knows he will be one of those properly over protected fathers.
It was this image of him, being wonderfully overprotective of his little girl that caused my breakdown. As that horrible single line appeared for the 3rd time, I opened the bathroom door. He knew straight away and I could see him fight the tears”.
“You have to leave me” I said to my beautiful husband. “I am the one that can’t get pregnant – not you. It’s not fair on you to stay. Go and be with a woman who can give you children. It’s Ok”.
As the words came out of my mouth, telling my husband to start a life with a woman who could give him children, I fell to the floor. Of course I didn’t want him to leave me, but I needed to give him the choice. I felt sick, breathless, empty.
I sobbed and sobbed as he held me tighter than he ever had before. He didn’t speak at first. I wondered if he was actually considering it, but my husband, being the joker that he is, instead replied:
“Oooh, I wonder if Angelina Jolie is free tonight?!”
He lifted my head gently, wiped away my tears and smiled. I couldn’t smile back. I could feel my broken heart sigh a sigh of relief though. I hugged him back as he went on to tell me that a life without me was incomprehensible, tragic and not something he would ever consider.
He told me that yes, he was desperate to become a father, but that he wanted to become a father only if I was around to be the mother.
His words meant the world, but I still felt like I had failed as a woman and failed as a wife. Infertility is such a cruel disease. It strips you of your dreams, your self worth, your joy and your hope. I am sorry to sound so negative, especially for anyone who is going through fertility treatment at the moment, but I just needed to vent and to reach out to you and your wonderful TTC community.
If anyone has felt the same, and told their husbands to leave them, I would love to hear from them, just so I know I am not alone. Thank you for always being there IVFbabble.
Emma
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If you can relate to this, do drop us a line at mystory@ivfbabble.com. Sending you all so much love and strength
Look after yourself:
https://www.ivfbabble.com/looking-after-your-emotional-wellbeing-during-ivf-and-how-counselling-can-help/
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