What do you do when your fears feel like they are taking over? We put Holly in touch with Sandy our fertility coach
Dear Sandy,
I hope you will be able to help me. I am drowning in my fears and I need some constructive help fast. I thought it might be easier for you to see the state I am in by listing my top 5 fears!! Can you help me grab hold of these fears and see that I can overcome them?!
My fears . . .
I am running out of time
(I am 37. I have had three rounds of IVF and am currently trying to raise funds for another round. I am terrified that time is passing by so fast and I don’t have time to fail again!!!!!!!!!)
I will be the only one of my friends who won’t be a mother, so I will be excluded
At the moment my friends, who all have children, are all very supportive of me. We still do fun things together, we still hang out, but I know that this will all change if I don’t have a baby soon. We are already starting to have fewer things in common. What if I end up alone with no friends?
I am scared my husband will find another woman – one who can give him children
Me and my husband are in love, but IVF has really put the pressure on us. When I agreed to marry him, I had visions of us starting a family within a couple of years, but here we are – still just the two of us. I feel like I have let him down.
I fear I have let my parents down
My parents are in their late 60s. All they want is to be grandparents. I have massively let them down.
I am scared I won’t ever be the person I was before
I used to love life. I used to have energy, joy, laughter and freedom. Infertility has stopped me being “me”. How do I get laughter and joy back in my life when I feel so sad?
Sandy, any guidance would be welcomed with open arms.
Thank you
Holly
x
Dear Holly,
Thank you for writing in. You have had a long journey and I’m sorry you are going through this. The first thing I want you to do is to reflect on how far you’ve come. You’ve been through 3 cycles already and that is not an easy feat. You have been working so hard to try to have a baby. Be proud of what you and your body have done, because it takes so much strength and commitment to be on this journey.
One of the hardest aspects of an infertility journey is that it’s out of your control and you don’t know when it will end. It’s hard having a feeling of being left behind, but you have not let anyone down. Infertility isn’t fair. Remember – you didn’t choose this. You express your concerns about how everyone else may feel and I want you to start focusing more on you. While saving up for your next cycle, I want you to take this time to invest in yourself and your relationship with your husband.
Infertility changes us and you may not feel like the person you were before, that’s ok too
It’s hard to break the cycle of being consumed by infertility and fertility treatments. But you’re still in there. Prioritise doing the things you loved doing before. These things may help you feel like “you” again. When it comes to trying to reconnect with your husband, you may be wanting to support each other but don’t really know how. Have an open dialogue about your journey. Remind yourselves why you’re on this journey – because you love each other. You want a baby together. Go on a date, take some time off, have fun.
You have expressed your fears, concerns and emotions so well
Being able to identify those feelings is a very important step in reframing them, here’s how you can work through them.
When things get overwhelming, take a 5 minute break and focus on your breathing
On every inhale count to 3. On every exhale, recite affirmations, like “I love my body”, “I am enough”, “I am worthy”. Yoga, meditation and acupuncture can be great methods of practicing mindfulness. So when your head is stuck worrying about what will happen in the future, these techniques will bring you back to the now. And help you focus on the present – which equals less worrying about the future.
Practice journaling
Just like your letter to me, getting words down on paper can be very powerful. Pay attention to the language you use when it comes to yourself and your journey. The negative thoughts can be transformed by expressing kind words to yourself, by practicing self compassion. Start every day by naming three things you’re grateful for, and also three things about yourself that you are proud of. Remind yourself that those who love you are grateful for you in the same way you’re grateful for them.
Talk to someone
You may be feeling isolated on this journey, or that your friends and family don’t really understand what you’re going through and that can be additionally stressful. There’s an amazing TTC community on Instagram where you can connect with others like you, or you can explore the option of support groups or even one on one coaching (get in touch with me if this is something you’d be interested in). A benefit of connecting with others is knowing that you are not alone, even if it sometimes feels that way.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself
What you’re going through is really tough.
Sending you so much love and best wishes for you and your future cycle. You’re doing brilliantly,
Sandy
Sandy Christiansen, MSc, BSc, ESHRE Certified Clinical Embryologist, HCPC registered Clinical Embryologist and Fertility coach
If you would like to get in touch with Sandy, you can contact her via her website, or you can DM her via her instagram account.
My move from being an embryologist to a fertility coach
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